Thirty-Something Soccer Mom

For some women, the mere mention of the word “Supermom” makes them cringe.

They feel frustrated at the unrealistic expectations put upon them by society and even more frustrated with the women who perpetuate the Supermom myth by doing all those “over-the-top” things.

Does this sound like you?

If you’re not sure, then read the following description and pay close attention to the way it makes you feel…

They cook their kids a hot breakfast every morning, pack nutritious lunches with hand-written notes inside.  They take their kids to story time activities at the library, field trips to the children’s museum and playdates at the park. They do arts and crafts with their preschoolers, read them stories on their laps, throw Pinterest-worthy birthday parties, make their kids Halloween costumes, decorate the house for every holiday (including St. Patrick’s & Valentines Day) and sew homemade gifts for Christmas. They taxi their kids around to all their activities including soccer practice, baseball practice, wrestling practice, gymnastics, dance, music lessons, as well as playdates with friends.  They volunteer at their church, help out in their kids’ classrooms and serve on the PTA.   They make delicious dinners, bake award-winning desserts and tuck their kids into bed each night with a story and a lullaby. Their kids are well dressed, well behaved, get good grades and have their Terrific Kid bumper stickers plastered all over the back windows of their mini-vans. 

Does that description make you sick?

Well if it does, then this article is for you.

The Psychology behind the Supermom

Have you ever wondered why supermoms do the things they do?  What is it that drives them to do so much?  Do they really enjoy it, really?  Are they trying to fulfill some perceived expectation?  Maybe they’re just being competitive and only do those things so they can feel better about themselves by making other moms feel mediocre. Maybe they had a wonderful childhood and now they feel like it’s their turn to give back to their own kids.

I suppose any of these reasons could be true but here’s a reason I’m guessing you haven’t considered:

She’s trying to give her children the childhood she never had.

Not every little girl grew up with the tooth fairy, Easter bunny and tea-party birthdays.

Not every little girl got to go trick-or-treating or be a princess for Halloween.

Not every little girl was given the opportunity to do sports, join clubs, play an instrument or develop her talents and pursue her interests.

Not every little girl had a mother that lovingly brushed her hair and tied cute ribbons at the ends of her braids.

Not every little girl had a mother that knew her, believed in her, and understood her. Not every little girl felt special, cherished and loved.

Not every little girl experienced a childhood free of neglect and abuse.

Many “supermoms” are just broken little girls looking for healing from their own painful pasts.

When that little girl became a mother and held her baby for the first time, the pain and hurt of her own childhood was still fresh in her mind.  But in time, that pain turned to purpose and her hurt turned to hope as she resolved to give her baby a different childhood than the one she endured.

Because of this resolve, she approaches motherhood with a nearly obsessive passion to make things perfect for her own kids.  She’s fierce in her pursuit to do things differently.  Every song she sings, every story she reads, every magical moment she creates for her children heals her soul from the wounds of her past.

Over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone gets two childhoods:         

The one they Get and the one they Give.

You may not realize it but your childhood had a big impact on the type of mother you’ve become.  Think of your favorite memories from when you were a kid.  How did they make you feel?  When you became a parent did you remember those things and resolve to carry out those same traditions with your own children now that you were the Mom?

Similarly, anytime you didn’t like something your parents did (most likely when you were a teenager) you probably told yourself:

“When I’m a parent, I’m not going to do that, or I’ll let my kids ____ when I’m a Mom.” 

Each of us draws from our own well of experience as we make parenting decisions based on what we liked and didn’t like about our own childhood and the things our parents did.  

This pattern of behavior applies to supermoms too.  Only for them their well of memories is mostly full of unhappy experiences that brought them pain.

One supermom I know throws elaborate birthday parties for her kids every year. Recently she admitted that when she was growing up she never had a birthday party and often felt forgotten on her special day.  Suddenly, I understood why she puts so much time and effort into making that day special for her kids.

Women who experience painful childhoods often approach motherhood differently than other moms.  So don’t begrudge her for doing the things she does.  

For her, this may be the first time she’s experienced the magic and wonder of childhood.  She’s  finding joy and beauty through every experience and the healing she receives from doing these things is mending her soul in beautiful ways.

So the next time you see a Supermom blowing up Facebook with her picture perfect posts refrain from rolling your eyes or judging yourself as if you’re not doing great things with your kids too.

Rest assured that her life is not perfect, she has hard times too,                                          just as all moms do.

She’s not competing with you or trying to make you feel mediocre.

She’s not trying to perpetuate some societal expectation of how                                           all moms should be. 

She’s simply enjoying the journey with her children, doing her best to give them the childhood she never had.

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